SAFEWAY CLASSIC

COLUMBIA EDGEWATER C. C.

PORTLAND OR

My player this week is Dina Ammaccapane

Monday: The lines were long, even for our 7 AM Northwest flight, so curb side check-in was the way to go. Plenty of familiar faces stood in the security line, that stretched almost to the entrance of the terminal, till the two other screening stations opened. No one missed the flight and we arrived on time.

I was correct about the lack of sleep some would be denied due to the logistics of the trip from Canada. Tom Konapacki, Young Jo's cadero, left the course at 6 PM and arrived in Columbus at 4:30 AM after a couple hours of sack time in his car.

With a pro-am in the morning and qualifier afterwards, not much homework will be accomplished today.

• Steffler-isms; Tina Barrett's cadero, Jeff Steffler, was in rare form on this trip. Here is just a glint of his dementia.

He wondered what exactly is pre-boarding? You either board or you don't. If you post board does that mean you get on after the plane takes off?

Due to the banning of all liquids, urine has been included and everyone must pee before boarding.

Thought of having this message sent over the speaker system as we arrived. "Will Jeff Steffler please return Sylvester Stallone's call immediately".

Another announcement (taking a shot at a fellow looper) would be "Will Dale Jones please meet the "Gay Pride" bus in front of the terminal.

But for all the positive attributes Jeff possesses, a few shortcomings still besets what may be one of the all-time creative looper minds of our times. For instance, he forgot which car rental agency he procured his automobile from and bounced from one to another until finding his reservation. Of course, it was the last one with the largest line.

• FIRE! If you own a Dell laptop a new battery maybe in your future. Read about the recall here.

Tuesday: Met Dina at 7 AM and went from the parking lot to the first tee without skipping a beat. Played sixteen holes with the emphasis on chipping. A dozen or so strikes on the range and some putting finished off our day.

• Smokin' hot tip of the week; Dina's drill for a light putting touch would get her in hot water with the Surgeon General. A cigarette held tween the fingers of her right hand keeps it soft and prevents the dreaded "hands of stone". You might wish to give it a go the next time that nicotine urge riles your senses.

Golf Digest's newest feature?

• Back in the saddle, for now; The current on again-off again soap opera with the rookie, her girl friend and caddie which was hired "for the rest of the year" has taken another turn. The caddie is back in and on the bag this week after all. This one is making my head spin.

• Perfect combo; Food, beer and golf. What more can you ask for? The annual BBQ and caddie putting contest capped off Tuesday's festivities. Mike Light, Nadina's husband, was victorious in a playoff and took home $100.

Caderos waiting for the results with "beer bated breath".

Wednesday: An uneventful but humorous pro-am (I busted their chops all day) turned more serious as we were called off the course with three holes to play. Dina's sister, Danielle, was playing nine following the last group when she experienced chest pains. Preliminary tests by EMT's on the scene proved negative but a trip to hospital was planned.

• Not a pretty sight; The port-o-potty on the on the fifth tee (players only) had a curios admonition posted on the door. "Out of Order" on a portable crapper is not usually seen since there is nothing to backup as in the indoor variety. But a look inside would have discouraged even the most in need of the facilities.

• Gotcha! White ear buds seem to be a permanent fixture residing in the cranial portals of Yu Ping Lin during practice sessions, which prompted a little fun making on my part. As I approached her on the putting green, I mouthed a greeting but really didn't speak. Figuring the volume was too high to hear me, "The Pinger" popped one out which started me laughing. She knew then, she'd been had.

• Nice neighborhood; The gang fight reminiscent of "West Side Story" was reenacted at the corner of NE 82nd and Sandy (caddie central this week) Monday night, as Latinos and blacks took it to each other, till Portland's finest made their appearance.

On the same note, Dale Jones was taken by surprise by two hookers who barged into his room at the Cameo Motel. It appears they followed him back from the Park City Pub (next door) after having a foamy libation or two. A couple minutes after settling in, he assumed the knock on the door was another cadero and opened it without looking through the peep hole. Big mistake. He physically had to shove them out and threatened to call the law.

• I was only kidding honey; A husband and wife (player) walked past a group of loopers while heading to the putting contest Tuesday and was asked if she was going to help read his putts. "She can't read s--t!" was his tongue-in-cheek reply but the look on her face indicated she failed to see the humor in his remark. Doubt if he "got any" that evening.

• Shouldn't have had seconds; Just after I stuffed my face at the BBQ , I find this little gem on the Net. But I was always told to clean my plate.

• Do as I say ...; Looks as if "dumpster diving" has found its way into suggested ways so save, as airlines slash the pay of their employees Wonder how many upper management "go deep" to find that special little something.

Thursday: Dina gave me the day off as today's schedule is in a state of flux. Good news on the home front since it looks as if a medication reaction was the cause of Danielle's affliction. She'll be fine.

Friday: Dina's "straightest club in the bag", the driver, let her down today. Too many errant tee balls left us with a one over round. On a positive note, an eagle on the 12th gives hope of winning a skin. Safeway puts up $8000 per day in their skins game.

• Go for it; Even though weak fields permeate this part of the season, it's interesting to watch who will take advantage and make enough dough to keep their card. It's make or break for many on "the bubble".

• What did I say? Dawn Coe-Jones perused my site the other day and I thought her description was a bit harsh." You're brutal" was all she could say. Looks like another potential bag has passed me by.

• Sob story; Lisa Kiggens says her upcoming nuptials are definite and will wed her beau on the spot they first met, the seventh tee at Corning C. C. Quick, bring me a Kleenex.

• Berry-licious; Rick "The Nerd" did not come by that moniker through pure accident. Case in point. His looming stature topped by his ever present Tilley bucket hat has been a fixture on tour for many seasons. These chapeaus are no weak facsimile of those cheapies you may discover in the local Wal-Mart, but a top quality product with a price tag to match. So, when Rick's Tilley meshed with the the fresh blueberries he had stowed in his backpack, the stain left behind found him with quite a conundrum. Ditch the recently purchased head covering or find an acceptable, albeit imperfect, solution.  He settled on the latter. Using more of the indelible purplish fruit, covered the remainder of the hat so as to match his original miscue. He now wears a lid that doubles as sun protection and English muffin spread. The legend lives on.

• What's next? Another neighborhood incident, reported on the radio, caught my attention while returning from work. A deranged man with a gun chased a woman into The Grotto which is a stones throw from our motel. The SWAT team was hailed and helicopters scanned the area but they never did catch him. All I wanted was a quiet place to sleep.

• Bon appétit; "Motorcycle Jim" and I opted for a visit to the Park City Pub for our evening repast since it was close and a previous meal was quite satisfactory. Jim chose steak and "home made" meat loaf was my pick. While awaiting delivery of our selections, we were treated to a game of billiards by what I can best describe as a cast member of The Rocky Horror Picture Show and her transvestite companion. Quite a combo.

I nursed a tall glass of Guinness (endeavoring to recall the pleasantries from my visit to England, it did not) till the grub arrived. Everything seemed in order till an attempt to sever an end piece of the ground meat concoction with my fork. It was impenetrable! A serrated knife was used for the second try but again, it was met with failure. This prompted a rhetorical query for my dinner associate, "Jim, does meat loaf have a bone?". Obviously not, so he suggested an immediate rebuff of the steely slab but I was not to be deterred. A probe of the remaining entree found it of the correct texture so, not wishing to delay the satisfaction of my hunger any longer, I gobbled it up without trepidation. But what was that morsel that caused such consternation? Further examination (scraped the gravy off) revealed it was just an extremely well done (burnt to a crisp) piece of ground meat. Think the Park City Pub has seen my face for the final time.

Saturday: Birdied two out of the last three to make it on the number. No reason to play safe tomorrow.

Sunday: Finally put it all together carding a -4 round. Shoot that in the final round each week you'll be haulin' in the $$$$.